New Patient Story

Had I known then what I know now... In 2009 I had hit the bottom of life. I was losing my job due to some stupidity on my part. I gave up my child so that he could be raised by two parents and have siblings (I could not provide him either), and my boyfriend and I had broken up. I had nothing left. The world crumbled in on me, and I didn't want to go on. It was New Year's Eve. I had just refilled my antidepressants, benzodiazepines and Wellbutrin. I took my first ten pills, swallowed it down with a diet Dr. Pepper, figuring going slow and having something with fizz might make it break up and get into my system. After the second handful, I called my boss and officially quit. Took another handful with another swallow of Dr. Pepper. My mom called. I told her I officially quit my job, and that everything would be fine in the morning. Mom was yelling, and I calmly just kept telling her that everything would be fine in the morning. Finally, she hung up on me. My sister called. Mom had called her and told her that she just couldn't deal with me. Now my sister was yelling at me. I just kept saying that everything would be fine in the morning. Finally, she stopped yelling, took a breath and said, "Do I need to call 911?" The ambulance came. I remember flashes, but I don't remember much. The pills had definitely gone into my system. There was nothing to throw up by the time I got to the hospital. I had stopped breathing at one point and the doctors were not sure if I would wake up a vegetable or wake up at all. It was a long hill to climb up to get back to a person that people would like and respect. I did counseling, did not go back on meds for a very long time. I went to weekends for finding out who I was. Learned to like who I was. Stopped drinking. Went to Celebrate Recovery. There were times when I fell backwards, but I like to call that "Failing Forward". I built a relationship with my family that had never really been there. I learned to trust them, and they learned to trust me more and more with each healing step. Relationships were not the best, but we were all learning through this. Then I found a job that catapulted me to a place I never thought I would go. Suddenly, I was moving to Alaska from the lower 48. The only problem was that the only way I could afford the move, despite a somewhat generous moving stipend, was to drive up. Nobody wanted to go, so I swallowed my pride and begged my mom. Four days in a car with an uptight old lady was not something that I was looking forward to. But that drive was my first step in learning to truly love my mom. She hated some of the things I did, I hated the fact she cannot carry a tune and loves to sing. But after four days in my "low class" Hyundai Elantra (She was driving a BMW back home) we came out with stories and a relationship neither of us thought possible. Since that day, I have had a relationship with my family who roots for me just as I do them. I live in Alaska where every day I am reminded how far I have come. I have learned to accept who I am, and learned that from my worst moments I am able to empathize with my patients, I am able to share a little to help them share more. I am able to love others more than I ever thought possible, but I also know when it is time to say goodnight. Had I known then what my life would be like today, hose 70 pills and diet Dr. Pepper probably never would have happened. But because it happened, I was able to come out on a new mountain. I pray that if you are reading this, and you got this far, don't give up. Someone is there even when you don't think they are. Ask for help. Don't let your life go to a place so dark you cannot get out. Know you are here for a purpose.