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Breaking the Silence Stories

It’s crucial to create a work environment where conversations about mental health are encouraged and normalized. By sharing your story, you can help others feel empowered to share their own challenges and access resources to proactively address their mental health needs. The below stories have been shared by our caregivers across the organization in hopes that you will know that you are not alone. Content warning, the following stories discuss suicide, suicide ideation, self-harm, and mental health crisis situations.

Content warning: This post includes content about suicide.
I received a call from my best friend that she was suicidal. We discussed if she was safe where she was at the moment, if she had access to weapons and if she had a plan and who would care for her dogs (her children). While we were talking, I drove to her about 44 minutes. We talked for hours with open communication. Come to find out she had stopped her Wellbutrin a few months ago. Her husband came home and she was able to open up and tell him how she was feeling (had never told him she had depression in 20 years). He was so supportive and has training to help her. She being a trained crisis counselor knew she needed more help then the support we could give and was admitted to a psychiatric facility to get stabilized on meds. Thanks to the ECPR I was able to keep calm, keep her talking with open communication and she was able to get the help she needed.
Content warning: This post discusses a mental health crisis situation.
I don't normally talk about my depression, with anyone - I tend to "suffer" in silence. At work, at home, with my friends, I put on a smile and tell everyone that I am doing well. Like so many others, I have always worried about being judged, being given (unhelpful) advice, or burdening someone else with my problems. Recently, my new therapist challenged me to reach out to someone in my circle, talk about my depression, and have an honest conversation about all I am experiencing. After several starts and stops, I finally reached out to my best friend and had an honest conversation. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but her support and validation did me a world of good. I'm not better yet - far from it - but I feel like I have someone I can be real with. Honestly, that normalizing of what I'm experiencing has done so much more for me than I ever expected it to.
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide.
"In May of 2019, we lost our youngest son to suicide, he was only 16. My world was turned upside down, and I no longer knew how to really function. I have said many times "I do not know how to do this". I have had a lot of absences, and I have also needed to go on multiple leaves of absence. I attempted counseling a few times, but the therapist was not a match. When I went on my last leave of absence, I started counseling through Lyra, I feel like I finally found the right person. My therapist has been an amazing help. I am learning that the depression was there, before my son died, but I was able to function through it. I am learning to recognize my triggers. My therapist has also told me that I need to pay attention to my 'bandwidth', and when it is 'low' I am to 'recharge'. Which means, maybe not going somewhere that may trigger me. I still cry, basically daily, but I know that life is still worth living. I try to tell myself, how lucky I was to have him, but I still miss him more than I can explain."
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
"I became an alcoholic really bad for 3 years after I started having bad thoughts and depression. I would drink 3-4 full bottles of wine within a full day. I would be so happy if I had vodka in the house because it was hard liquor. The alcohol would put me to sleep and I would sleep for hours and hours. Then one day, I started slicing my wrists with a knife. My husband called 911. I was sent to the ER. Then I was sent over to a rehab center on the west side of the state. Best thing that happened. I was sober for over a year. Then I relapsed. I went back into counseling and have now been sober for 1 year."
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
"There are still stigmas around anyone who has attempted suicide, which I did in 2009. It was Christmas Eve; it was an evening with family and friends. I had an argument with my family and had been thinking of suicide and decided this was it for me, they no longer needed me, I wasn't of any value to anyone, and they would be better off without me. I just needed it to stop.... I took a bottle of Tylenol PM and all the meds I could find and went to bed. I woke up in the hospital the next day (Christmas) in the hospital. I look back and can't even imagine what my family went through that night. It was a selfish act of desperation. It took some time, medication, and counseling to get back on my feet again. Depression is a hard thing to fight, though with help you can find joy in this world again. I've since quite drinking and lost 70lbs. I know where to get help if I need it now. My life is amazing, and I want others to know this too will pass--reach out for help earlier than I did."
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
"I made two unsuccessful attempts by the age of 13. I finally sought help after a classmate laid his neck down on a circular saw and I saw the pain it caused the entire community. For 20 years I was able to use my own personal struggle and journey to support and comfort the families of the hundreds of people lost to suicide then I provided final care for during my career as a funeral director and embalmer. I have also drawn on my experiences to support my daughter who had her first safety plan at the age of 8. "
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide.
"In May of 2022, I found my daughter deceased in her apartment. She was only 24 years old, my best friend and my only daughter. Her death was very unexpected, and the cause of death was determined natural causes. As a caregiver and a mother, i felt like I failed her, and I was lost beyond words. I just wanted to see her smiling face and her beautiful eyes one more time. I wanted to be with her. At that point I wanted to end my life. I envisioned the whole scenario. But then I thought that it wouldn’t be fair to my two sons or my two granddaughters. They need me as well. In June of 2022, I sought out grief counseling and medication for my reactive depression and PTSD. As of September 2023, I continue with grief counseling and medication. It’s been 16 months since I lost my daughter and it feels like it was just yesterday. My sons are very supportive."
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
"I am in my second Marriage . In my first marriage, I got married at the age of 16 and had my first Child at 18 .In my first pregnancy, my husband would always hit me and accused me of messing around with other men he moved me to different places so my family could not find me. I got into drugs and even tried killing my self. That was the lowest time in my life and at that time I don't know what had come over that at that time I thought of my 2 children they were the most important part of my life , this was the change in my life quit doing wrong things that when I got beat up more and more I finally had enough and left him and went back to school an got my GED and started going to collage to better my self with the help of my family . Right now i am married again an very happy . I decided I needed to give back and help people so I became a CNA an now help the patients here at Covenant Hospital I pray for them and talk to them make them laugh this is my story."
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
As a believer, I was under the impression I had to rely on only God for healing. For many years, I struggled with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, the Lord helped me in many beautiful ways. He helped me realize there is his part and then there’s my part he open the door and I am so grateful to have taken it. I started therapy and medication which has changed my life. My husband and kids are all now in therapy as well. The Lord has brought a sense of security and serenity as we are managing our mental health. I encourage anyone going through any type of challenge to seek comfort in Him, and also take advantage of all the support systems around us. You are valuable and I encourage you to join me in this battle.
Content warning: This post discusses a mental health crisis situation.
"My mental well-being was compromised for several years and I never cared to find help (I was also struggling financially). I finally started working and with my benefits, I have started going to therapy and putting in the work to improve my mental and emotional health. I hope everyone knows that they are loved and cared for, and that your mental well-being is the most important thing, and you should take it seriously. Please reach out to your support system and/or community if you ever feel lost. Therapy is the best type of mental health self-care; you do not have to wait until "there is something wrong" with your life in order to start it. Therapy can be used as a preventive measure."
Content warning: This post discusses a mental health crisis situation.
In May of 2022, I found myself emotionally spent! I was sad, felt disconnected from my family and life around me. I came to realize I was burnt out from years of hard work, especially in the past 2 years with the COVID pandemic. I was spending many extra hours at work trying to take care of my patients but scrambling to get it all done only to get home to barely see my kids off to bed if I was lucky. I decided to seek help and made an appointment with my PCP. I started counseling through Lyra and medication to help with my depression and anxiety. The work is still there, and it is challenging to get it all done but the break and getting help was exactly what I needed to be able to forge on. I encourage anyone who is feeling like I was to take a time out and get the help you need. If we are not in a good mental space, it is not easy for us to provide good care to our patients.
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
I was never a believer of mental health. I grew up in a time where we didn't talk about our problems and suicide, depression, anxiety, sexual assault and I could on was never spoken about. It was taboo. 10 years ago my eldest daughter came to me about self-harm and other things that have happened. That's when I started to believe, but not too much. It was a work in progress. I started to realize I had a lot to work on myself. In 2020 my whole family contracted COVID 19 and my mother and I were hospitalized. I almost lost my life as well as my mother. I was in the hospital for 2.5 weeks my mother longer intubated and more. The thought of losing my life and my mother's life really sent me into a deep depression and my anxiety and memories started to appear from my younger years. I was keeping them at bay, but they were becoming so loud I was self harming. I was having issues as well at work that added to my stress and anxiety. To make matters worse after beating COVID my mother relapsed in her cancer and it returned with a vengeance and sadly she passed. I took time off of work again to spend the last days with my mother and did an IOP program and didn't return to work for 6 months. I thought I was doing ok. Then 2 years later and I was back to self harming and depression and anxiety. I took time off again ass I attempted to take my life to many times. I did not want my husband and children to come home and find me like that or get a phone call that I was gone. This made me realize I needed help again. I asked for help. I needed help. I rejoined the IOP program and this time around has truly made an impact on my life. It takes a great amount of courage to ask for help and I did it. I will continue to work on myself. Baby steps are still steps forward.
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
I wanted to quit in many occasions, things were getting harder and harder each time i didn't know what to do anymore. I have 4 beautiful children and they are whom keep me moving. I reached a point where i looked at them and said to myself if I leave what will it be of you all. Fell in a big depression after a terrible event that happened with one of them. Still trying to cope with everything but knowing that i have the only people whom really love me and i truly love and words can not express how much i do. But knowing i have those little people calling me Mom have motivated me to go beyond and not look back, I look at what has happened as an episode that has made me stronger than i could ever be. And here i am, stronger than i ever thought i would be. Thanks to my little people whom call me Mom.

Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.

My little brother had been in an unhealthy marriage for nearly 10 years. He was unhappy most of the time. My life changed on July 5th, 2017. My immediate family and I were in Maui on vacation. The 4th of July was a big holiday growing up, as we grew up on the Oregon Coast and it was always a great time to have a bonfire, have a picnic, watch fireworks, and meet up with friends and family. July 4th was my brother's favorite holiday. We had been down on the beach in Maui enjoying the fireworks. When we returned to our room at the resort, I had several missed calls and text messages on my phone. I called my oldest niece back, and she told me that her dad had been shot but was in stable condition. That was all she knew at the time. It was around 10:00 pm in Maui and 1:00 am in Portland. I received a phone call about one hour later from one of my brother's best friends- he told me that my brother didn't make it. I was in absolute shock and wanted to know what had happened. His friend told me he didn't know but that a detective was going to call me soon. I was so confused. A short time later a detective called me from where he lived and told me that apparently his wife had called 911 and said he was threatening to kill her, and she had heard him open the gun safe. Just for a little perspective, my brother had a high level security clearance as he worked on dams as a project safety manager- had never been in trouble with the law-and was a totally "normal" person. The detective continued to tell me that apparently after several police cars had arrived at the house my brother opened the front door. No one could tell if he had a gun or not. They yelled at him to come out with his hands up- just like in the movies. Instead, he started to turn around, and was immediately shot by an off-duty sheriff's department officer who had heard and responded to the call. When they approached him, he was unconscious, and they then transported him to the nearest hospital. He had been shot through the right arm and into the right kidney. Surgery was attempted and the right kidney was removed, but it was too late. He had lost too much blood. At that time, I had been an RN for 29 years-but it didn't matter- I literally felt like I was in a bad movie and that none of this could be real. I was told the County Coroner was going to be calling my parents at 0800 the next morning. I called my oldest daughter (who was 23 years old at the time and was house-sitting for us) and told her she needed to get up to my parents house by 0730 the following morning so I could be the one to tell them (over the phone from Maui.) That was easily the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It was heartbreaking and something I hope most people never have to experience. I had to fly home for the viewing, leaving the rest of my family in Maui. I needed to be there to 1. Truly believe he was dead and 2. To support my parents and my nieces. His wife immediately cut off communication with us and proceeded to plan the funeral without any input from the rest of us. No substances were found in his blood/organs except a therapeutic low dose of Celexa which he had apparently been on for mild depression/stress. His wife told 911 that he said," I won't go down without a fight." So- case of "death by cop?" Or being set up. We will never know. I know this has been a rambling post-I have shared this information with very few people. I have struggled since he died with overwhelming grief. He was my only sibling and we were very close. My oldest niece is having a baby next month- so once again the feelings are coming up all over again. He should be here! He should have been able to walk my nieces down the aisle, as we prepare now for the younger one to get married. I tried grief therapy; not a good match. My oldest daughter, who is now 29, has encouraged me to try again. I have had some really dark thoughts over the years, but have an amazing husband and 3 beautiful daughter, as well as my parents who now need my support more than ever. But it is a big load to carry. Thank you for reading this. I am hoping by being able to share my story, it can help with my depression also.
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
November 22 will be one year since life got really hard and has continued to be very difficult. Starting with family trying to commit suicide and luckily survived. Then finding out I had cancer which luckily surgery caught all of it but still need to follow up. On top of that car breaking down multiple times and having a deadline for house projects to get done. It was a real struggle but knowing I have two amazing bosses and great coworkers it helped to get thru because they were there for me when I needed to talk and helped with meals when I was recovering. It is great having a support team and knowing things happen for a reason. We might not always know what the reason is but everything does work out in the end.
Content warning: This post includes content about suicide ideation and self-harm.
Survivor of sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse that still impact daily functioning. I feel alone all the time and have realized this is what life holds for me. I believe reaching self-actualization, finding a partner, being happy is something that plagues my mind. I attempted to kill myself at least twice. For people with sexual abuse, we feel MORE alone and isolated than others and is debilitating. I know I deserve love, kindness, pleasant life of hope, and for the first half that has not been the case.